Growing up as a child, I can remember my mother getting very annoyed with
herself when no matter how careful she tried to be, a morsel of food, a drop of
sauce or a spatter of dressing inevitably would find its path to the front of
her blouse. These small culinary traces were like homing pigeons coming back to
roost. We would all snicker, much to her dismay, at the sudden realization that
the mystery of what to get her on the next gift giving occasion had simply
solved itself!
Call it fate, divine providence or simply genetics, but as I’ve gotten
older, I have found myself suffering from the same malady as my mother. I swear
to you that if you went into my closet, more than 60% of my blouses would have
the telltale signs of those culinary homing pigeons.
I have tried a multitude of stain removal products on the market, but all of
them combined have not been able to restore more than 2% of my garments to the
point that I can wear them in public.
It isn't that I don't try to eat carefully. In fact, there have been times
my menu choices are made by the viscosity of the sauces and the ability of the
food to remain on the fork until it is delivered safely behind the toothy cage beyond
my lips. There have been times I've accomplished this successfully...that is…
until my last forkful. Etiquette dictates that you should leave some food on
the plate which signifies to the host that you have been satisfied, but I
propose it is more likely a civilized warning that to finish to the last bite
is simply testing fate and challenging the odds of successful delivery. I have
tested this theory multiple times and indeed, there have been times that I have
gotten through nearly the entire dinner feeling quite proud of myself that
nothing found its way to my chest. Then it happens-- when I glance down at the
plate, feeling so full I don't think I could swallow another bite, my
conscience replays Sister Joseph Patrice’s' lecture on the sin of wasting food
and visions of starving children in Biafra pass through my mind. I watch
helplessly as my hand lifts the fork to impale the last morsel of food on the
plate. And as I raise the final bite to my mouth, I detect a barely discernible
weight change on the utensil and watch in embarrassment as the tasty little
pigeon returns to roost on my chest.
So there it is. The more we try to climb out of the gene pool, the deeper
that pool becomes.
Culinary Homing Pigeons are not the only thing I have inherited from my
parents. Like my mother, I am overweight and sometimes grapple with a lack of
self-esteem. I developed her bad habit of biting dry cuticles until my fingers
become raw. I have my father's easy going nature, and like him, it takes a lot
to set me off- but I
have a short fuse and
once it’s lit,
it should come with a
siren to caution anyone in the vicinity to keep clear or suffer the fallout.
Allergies, soft fingernails, and arthritis are
among the other not so desirable inherited traits. But I don't believe I only
inherited the negative. I think I learned compassion, and understanding, and a
fierce sense of loyalty. However, the trait I inherited from both mom and dad
that I am most proud of would have to be a sense of humor. Both had a wonderful
sense of humor, and if I learned one thing from my mom, it’s how to laugh at
myself and how humor can get you through an uncomfortable situation. This humor
helped me through an uncomfortable situation last
Tuesday.
It has been a very busy couple of months at the campground, and we were
running low on some things needed for the upcoming weekend which warranted a
trip to Walmart and BJ's. When I got to route 80, I noticed the backup of cars
heading west toward the bridge, so I did an immediate U-turn and headed for the
Portland Bridge so that I could avoid the traffic and drive up the PA side of
the Delaware River. Entering Walmart, I did a quick recon of the department
headings and made a beeline for the items on my list. As I backed out of my
parking spot, it suddenly hit me that I had not eaten breakfast, and it was
already past the lunch hour. I was feeling a little shaky and lightheaded and
knew I needed to make a quick detour on my way to BJ’s. Arby's was the closest
fast food establishment, and I quickly ordered a roast beef sandwich with bacon.
Pulling away from the drive thru, I
hastily unwrapped the sandwich and took a bite. The sandwich immediately began
to disassemble and pieces of lettuce, bread, beef and bacon were showering down
the front of me while I held onto the driver’s wheel.
I quickly ate the remainder of what was left in my hand and shook the debris
from my blouse, as I slid into a parking space at BJ’s Wholesale club. I
hurried inside with my list in hand and quickly began to go about my shopping
when I noticed an elderly couple standing in front of me.
The gentleman had an air of gentility about
him, and he was making a discrete attempt at getting my attention.
“Excuse me miss,” he said softly, “you seem
to have dropped something” and he shyly pointed at me.
I glanced down and was mortified to see a chunk of bacon wedged in my cleavage!
Flicking it out with one quick motion and falling back on my mother’s advice
and humor, I rolled my eyes at him and said “what can I say, my husband enjoys
treasure hunts, and he loves bacon!”
The
man’s wife burst into laughter as did I, and we watched the man turn various
shades of red. Even his gray hair seemed to get a tinge of pink.
“I’m sorry,” I chuckled, “but I thought if
you were as embarrassed as I, it would help level the playing field.”
“You certainly accomplished that” his wife said laughing uncontrollably.
I shrugged my shoulders and smiled, “I guess I’ll have to tell him the
treasure has already been found,” and turned and wheeled my shopping cart
around the corner into the next aisle.
Upon returning home, I told my husband what had happened on my shopping
trip.
That night he found a new treasure
under his pillow.
It was a bag of bacon
flavored jerky.
I winked at him and said
“in case you miss me while I’m gone.”
We
both laughed as I grabbed my cell phone and walked out the door to spend the
night with my granddaughter.